Monster WHYYYYYYYYYYY

(Quite obviously, a companion to the infamous novel tWHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYlight.)

It's been a blast. It really has.

I've been carrying you around for nearly nine months now, and every day of your miserable existence has made me lesser of a human being than I was before. But now, no more. The time has come for us to part at last, and do I feel guilty about it? As guilty as I would feel if Bella Swan was hit by a truck. My truck. And then roasted alive. In my barbecue. I have twenty-four hours to dispose of you, and I don't even know where to start except with this: Adieu.




At first glance, the top of this post might seem like I was planning an abortion at the very last second. However, first of all, as freaked out as I would be about me suddenly becoming pregnant, I probably wouldn't abort because you know I'm a Catholic this is not what is currently going through my mind. What I am finally disposing of after ALL THIS TIME is my only copy of Lisi Harrison's Monster High, the most terrible excuse for literature since Stephanie Meyer put a pen to a piece of paper and called it Shakespeare.

This book and Twilight are literally brothers. Monster High is literally Twilight's little brother (sister? Scientific creation?), simply because though the latter has a much larger and more widespread fanbase, both are nearly equal in literary bullcrap.


Although I do admit that Twilight was slightly more tolerable. Slightly. More. Tolerable. How anything can be less tolerable than Twilight, I do not know. But it has happened.


Since as mentioned before, not as many people know about Monster High as I would expect from a book like this, I'm going to give some background information. Some of the teenage girls out there might recognize the name "Lisi Harrison" from the covers of an equally gut-retching book series, The Clique, and more recently (however, not much more recently), Alphas. Both are (in case you didn't know) mediocre books describing the life of an average clique in an average high school with presumably extraordinary adventures that really turn out to be... average. There is absolutely nothing in those books that you would not find on television as soon as you turned it on. Lisi Harrison basically takes the Facebook statuses of a group of friends and turns them into a group of novels, quite frankly because, like most Facebook statuses, no one cares. While some people may be intrigued at Person A's boyfriend cheating on her for Person B, only for him to realize that Person B was having a lesbian relationship with Person C, which was totally not cool, so he moved on to Person D, who was best friends with Person A and so there was a whole lot of spite involved, so he waited until Person B broke up with Person E only to realize that she had come full circle and (PLEASE STOP ME BECAUSE I MIGHT BE COPYING ACTUAL LITERATURE), everyone else... really wouldn't.

While my example would have totally been more exciting than the entire Clique series, I think I pretty much made my point with how boring these books are. And with extremely punny and yet facepalm-worthy titles (Best Friends for Never, Dial L for Loser, It's Not Easy Being Mean, Sealed With a Diss, Bratfest at Tiffany's... should I?) I'm actually shocked these books are being read by kids (excuse me GIRLS what guy would want to read this i think i can name a few) older than ten. However, what do I know? I've only survived one book of this series (and even then, I can't be bothered to remember which one it is) so maybe it's not as repetitive as I thought it would be. Although judging from what I've read OF the other ones, those chances would be pretty low.

But I digress, they are not the focus for my review today. Although they could be in-depth reviews in the future if there are requests.

Now, your mileage may vary on what Harrison's true motives for writing Monster High are. It could have been written just for money, just to advertise the equally stupid garbage disposal Barbies, or just to see how much she can blatantly recycle plot after plot without being noticed. However, there is one thing that really irks me about this whole thing - the fact that it's "creative". That nothing like it has ever been done before and therefore it is automatically the greatest thing since Bella committed suicide.

THIS = CREATIVE

HI GUYS MY NAME IS LISI HARRISON AND I HAVE A FANTASTICAL IDEA. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING REALLY CREATIVE BUT I REALLY CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO WRITE ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE SOCIAL NETWORK SOAPS I'M WRITING NOW, SO I'LL JUST WRITE THE SAME BOOKS ALL OVER AGAIN BUT THIS TIME I'LL ADD *MONSTERS* SO IT'LL BE CREATIVE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYY COLON RIGHT PARENTHESIS RIGHT PARENTHESIS RIGHT PARENTHESIS

I fear for humanity. I truly do.

Now, before I continue, I understand the age group this franchise is intended for, and that I am, however admittedly not far, above it (although that does not mean people my age and older aren't susceptible to actually liking this. Because, like with Twilight, you have your... outliers). I'm just making a statement that even something intended for twelve-year-olds should at LEAST have decent-to-good writing because we really want the best for our kids. Because, really, if you think about it... Dr. Seuss has made better quality writing than this. On several occasions. 

I seriously have read books intended for younger ages that are better written than Monster High. Does anyone remember Franny K. Stein? I enjoyed that series far more than anything Lisi Harrison has ever written, and the age level is seven through ten. I should have stopped reading those books by the time I moved on to middle school. BUT I DID NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE GOOD. Chew on that.

Also for the record, I know I wasn't supposed to take this series seriously sirius. After all, something else I forgot to put in the background, it's based off dolls. Mattel dolls. Which means I am basically reviewing another one of those crappy Barbie movies that somehow find their way onto DVD and sell to a different group of little girls each time. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE GOTH BARBIE.

)=

Now, unlike the Clique series, I have read through this monstrosity (no pun intended), and I mean every single word I am about to say. If I was to list everything that was wrong with this book, it would take weeks to even get through the first half. Therefore, although I might do a more detailed review in the future (because, really, who doesn't like to see mental breakdowns from literate people reading illiterate things? It's better than TV), you're going to get a brief review of the major aspects of the book... and why Twilight is somewhat better written.

The plot:

Somehow, the time-space continuum screwed up, and suddenly all of the mythological and famous monsters of today's society were placed in a happy sunshiney AU (alternative universe) dimension where everything just makes them sick to their stomach. Then one night, after consuming too much rum, they all had children and were never heard from again, and then those children had children and then something happened which made them really weird and not scary anymore and so those children were abandoned by their parents to have relationship dramas and crap (my version)

On one hand, we have Frankie Stein, whose true identity and relation could not be more obvious even if her middle name started with an N. She is as ditsy as any modern literary character could afford not to be, and she's completely naive. And who could blame her? She was first brought to life (by the classic Frankenstein method, which would make one contemplate whether she was related to the actual monster or the scientist, given her genetics...) fifteen days prior to the book's events. I'm not calling her out for totally running into the wall dozens of times because she has absolutely no clue about the world, but... actually, I'm just kidding. I am. But we'll get to that later.

Because Frankie has her head up her zombified butt, she attempts to go through a normal high school with normal people and expect everything to turn out completely peachy keen. Well, it didn't go as planned, or else the book would have lost the only degree of "interesting" it would ever strive to have. At least, it would have if the normal human beings weren't as oblivious to this entire plot as Frankie is to the real meaning of "Go Green!"

SO KIDS

IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER IF YOUR SKIN IS GREEN OR YOU HAVE EXTREME FEMALE FACIAL HAIR

OR YOU CAN BREATHE UNDERWATER

OR YOU HAVE TO BE PLUGGED INTO AN OUTLET EVERY NIGHT TO CHARGE UP

OR YOU ARE ANY RELATION TO STEPHANIE MEYER

THERE IS A PLACE FOR YOU AT ERRIBLE TANAGRAM HIGH SCHOOL

When all hope is lost for Frankie (because, you know, fitting into high school is *totally* the most important thing ever REMEMBER THAT CHILDREN), she meets some friends who are conveniently also freaks of nature mythology and they hang out together and oggle at boys and crap. Oh, and they also have to try not to let the human beings (otherwise known as "normies," which I would prefer "Muggles" over any day because Muggles means you actually tried) see them for the monsters they really are (but they're not REALLY monsters because they won't hurt a fly, much less rampage the entire school and devour every last one of its students and facility just for an evening snack. Because that's what I want to do after reading this). However... is it really that easy to hide every single one of their freakish deformities to appear just like any other human being? 

Apparently, it is for Gerard Butler's Phantom

If you answered 'no', then congratulations, you have an IQ of over eleventy-ten! 

As a woman of logic and reason (not to mention many horror novels), I question the logic that is brought into this book. Just because Frankie puts on some makeup doesn't mean ALL of her deformities are gone. Unless, you know, the makeup was magical. Then I would actually WANT some. There are still the bolts in her neck (which people call neck piercings at one point, completely unaware that neck piercings do not exist and if they do you cannot have them because they will kill you) and, you know, that awkward moment when her limbs start falling off. There's that, too.

However, Frankie and her motley crew are not the only main characters in the book. There is also Melody Carver, codename Bella Swan. She moved to Forks, Washington Salem, Oregon from Phoenix, Arizona Beverly Hills, California and she completely hates everything ever. No, wait, that's her sister. Well, actually, both of them do. So Melody's mixed into all of this crap, and quite honestly, people care about her life as much as they care about Frankie's constant "WHAT'S THIS?"-ing that only Jack Skellington can pull off while still having a scrap of dignity in him. The details are pretty fuzzy, but she encounters SPOILER ALERT GUIZ the spawn of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (it's less giggle-worthy than it sounds, believe me) END SPOILER GUIZ and falls in love and they make out from the end of one chapter to the beginning of another (NO, SERIOUSLY) and everything just falls to total heck that no one really cares about, but is forced to read anyway.

So both worlds collide and something that barely resembles a plot keeps on trucking along until there is a tiny spark of plot development toward the end that fizzles out before it really has a chance to take root (actually, it's part of the silly cliffhanger for the next book there are three books in this series omg), and even then it's nothing we haven't seen before. The webisodes that are part of this franchise as well... thankfully do not follow the book. Nothing should be condemned to a fate of following the universe of the book. Not even Twilight. Actually, the webisodes are slightly more entertaining than the book, so if anything from this franchise should be supported and not burned, it's those. Although parts of it are equally bad.

So overall, the plot... It's nothing we haven't seen before. I was quite disappointed in it, myself, and I'm sure a lot of people were as well. However, the concept in itself wasn't completely doomed. Had it not been Lisi Harrison, an esteemed recycler of plots, who had chosen to write this book, perhaps it would have been... dare I say it... better. But alas, it was not, and therefore it deserves a 3/10.

The Characters:

Frankie Stein: makes Tangled's Rapunzel look like Einstein. Can barely find her way through a revolving door, has enough common sense to tape Justin Bieber's face to a skeleton (AGAIN: NO, SERIOUSLY), thinks babies are made in laboratories, and yet is determined to eliminate the prejudice "normies" (CAN WE JUST CALL THEM MUGGLES  SO I WON'T DIE INSIDE EVERY TIME I HAVE TO TYPE THIS?) have against half-breed monsters "RADs" (aldkhgakldhgkladhgadghaldkgah). Sounds like an undead Miss America to me!

Melody Carver: Think Bella Swan, but she actually intended to do something. 

Draculara "LaLa": Just another Hot Topic customer.

Lagoona Blue "Blue": An Australian "Creature From the Blue Lagoon" chick who's as awkward to look at as... well... a fish out of water, for lack of a better term.

Clawdeen Wolf: A slightly less obnoxious character whose only good line in the whole book relates to the PETA forcing her to shave. Yeah.

Cleo de Nile: Apparently, she's supposed to be some sort of mummy, but she's just a Clique character who came home late from TPing houses.

Bekka and Haylee: I'd take them more seriously if LH didn't just copy-paste them from her other books, yet they somehow manage to be more evil than every monster in this book combined.

Jackson/D.J.: Probably the worst excuse for a monster ever known. Admitting he is a monster to a Muggle Normie, ON CAMERA, without the slightest worry that he could be killed. Not that he would expect a violent response in return (the aforementioned copy-paste characters, especially the former, are the only ones who have any REAL reaction to this), since nearly everyone in this book is a complete moron, but still. Plus, the fact that he is a monster also gives him an excuse to have a horribly tragic past and make everyone too distracted by the fact that his father is in an insane asylum to accept the fact that he is a freak of nature.

Deuce Gorgon: I'd take his threats of turning me to stone upon taking off his sunglasses more seriously if he was not in this book.

So overall, the characters... more stiff and rigid than the dolls themselves. Any character that has any sort of potential at all is beaten into the ground so that they are terribly worthless with no character development whatsoever. Quite honestly, though, Bekka had a bit of potential, for being just a character copy-pasted from a similar book. However, not enough to make her seem like an actual character. Overall, 2/10.

The Writing:

It doesn't take a genius to know that all literary writing is enhanced with figurative language. However, there's a fine line - a line as fine as chicken wire split in half - between having good figurative language and obviously trying harder than Ke$ha in a concert without autotune. It would really get to the point where things make as much sense as Darth Vader on a treadmill (which is part of an actual quote from the book - i'm sorry). Actually, just about as much sense as sweat glazing their cheeks like doughnuts and salting their lips like pretzels, only to lead to his eyes smiling like he was reading Mad Libs while he was feeling more charged than a Visa card at Christmastime after sleeping like a chicken with its head cut off. Yes, these are all actual quotes from the book as well, although not in this order. And yes, I died inside while writing this. Again, Franny K. Stein makes more sense than this. Dr. - Stinkin' - Seuss makes more sense than this.

Not to mention...

P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-PRODUCT PLACEMENT

It's everywhere. Almost to the point where you wonder how much is going toward advertising alone in this book. Nearly everything that happens to be "in" (McDonald's, Justin Bieber, Teen Vogue, and Twilight, of all things) is mentioned in here at least once, and it's really annoying and distracting from what's supposed to be the plot but isn't. 

I hope I don't have to provide any more examples of the writing. Because... no. It was funny the first time, but then after the two hundredth time, it got extremely redundant. With many (NOT REALLY) regrets, 1/10.

I would love to write more, but I'm cramped for time, and this post is long enough already. Plus... I have twenty-four hours to dispose of this cursed book, so that some unfortunate soul in North Carolina can experience the torture that I've been put through. It's been a blast, Monster High. It really has. But now, this is goodbye.

........................

DRINKS ALL AROUND!